i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
