whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
two words: eviction party
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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