I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
