I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize