this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
