Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
