My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
