I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
