don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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