Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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