I think I won the penis lottery.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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