I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
