New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize