everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Randomize
