i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
