I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
