you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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