Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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