i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
