I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
