I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
