i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize