btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
