Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
