Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
