After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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