I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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