So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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