I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
