Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
