And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
