today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
