Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
