You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So here I am, sexting at work.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
