she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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