Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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