Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
