My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
