I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
