Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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