Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
