I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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