I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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