3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I am available for nakedness
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
