In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
