New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
