when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
