And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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