How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
