i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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