ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
