Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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