Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
