My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
