i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
