I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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