I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
They are going to name an STD after you.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
